LaSalle.. As announced by Br. Bobby, classes will resume on Monday next week, all levels... Please Pass.

I don't know whether to feel good or bad. Of course, I'm happy that it'll be another LOOOONG vacation but the mere fact that Sublime will also be delayed causes me distress. I mean, come on, we've been postponing release dates for months already!

Last week, another rule was implemented by the Discipline Office. Students of BED must wear their IDs and put name patches on all their uniforms (PE included). This, I understand but when you announce it the day before (at the afternoon, to be exact), could you expect students to be able to abide the next day? Hello, there wasn't even a formal announcement to begin with. Even a declaration on the speakers would do. Or even a paper notice. What about a 1 day grace period? Unfortunately, there was none. You inspect the next day, of course there would be a lot of students to be reprimanded. I bet some of them didn't even know it. Luckily, I was wearing uniform.

Whatever. It isn't my nature to befuddle with such concerns. I only know that many are infuriated, so, uh, good luck.

Good news! I just called SEI scholarships and the deadline for DOST Application Forms is moved to October 9 (my big day)! My brother will surely be happy. He's the one who wants to do this in the first place.

I'll be watching Skip Beat for now. Finally, I have time to watch anime again!

I'm leaving you with this:

This was written by me yesterday, around 7:15 PM-9:00 PM.

Tick, tock. Another minute passed by. Still nothing changes.

Surrounded by darkness, I feel helpless and alone. I'm not used being left at home during a typhoon, much more, during a brownout. The candle beside me is nearing its demise and I've got only two left. Two more and I'll be in total obscurity. Hearing the loud palter of the rain, I become more and more anxious. Mama and Kuya should be home by now - but they're not. Ate is at work. Papa is disabled. The rain won't stop. The winds won't leave. I'm crippled by fear. I could not move. I could not blink.

I'm praying for what seems like an eternity. I'm losing hope. `Cause until now, the rain is still pouring, the winds are not ceasing and everything turns into black and white.

What happened yesterday is a first. I have never seen our village flooded before. I have never experienced brownout alone. I have never felt that terrified, to the point that I'm shaking and crying at the same time.

Good thing is that a few minutes after I prayed, the rain stopped. Kuya arrived home at about 9:30 PM. Mama came in next at 1:15 AM. And the electricity was back at 5 AM or so.

Seems like God really heard me but chose to wait. Maybe the same for the rest of us.

It's been raining non-stop. I prefer everyday to be like this.

A part of my brain is dying. Fast. It feels like half of my body will fall asleep soon after. I'm shutting down soon because I cannot take how uneventful days have been this week.

... Come on.

The conversations have still positioned themselves towards that - the past.

And so does everything I do. The past.

So much about moving on and moving forward and making the most of the definites. But nobody will probably notice. I can just keep up appearances and they can just do what they do, and it'll be as if I didn't fall. Not worth it anyway; I might as well not see him when he shows up. It was never between me and them. Never between me and him anyway.

There is nothing to do, so I'm exceedingly idle. All I can do is ponder. And tear up.

Whatever.

(waiting)

Why am I waiting?

... Bye.

I'm laughing now. I've been reading my past blogs (well, not all because it would take so much time) and I realize how much have changed in the way I write. I saw atrocious grammar errors, thoughtless posts and endless musings & rantings. And my topics were a bit senseless then... haha. Guess it's a part of growing up.

For today we have no classes (yes, again). Good thing because my stuff from the retreat are still unpacked. :P Yes, I'm that indolent and I couldn't make people at home do it for me.

I'm vexing myself by doing Physics problems. Sometimes I just have to increase my productivity to go that extra mile. My grade last quarter is too low (for me, at least) so I have to make sure to put an effort this time. I'm trying not to lose my head here... I know I should start studying. Sloth is such a treacherous sin.

Recently, I've been wanting to see fog, as in thick fog. Sadly, you can't really expect that kind of fog in the Philippines unless its really high up or unless its batshit crazy cloudy. Fog in pictures kasi are so breathtaking. Searching Flickr and Deviantart for pictures inspires me so much. I have to have a DSLR soon.

I just noticed that in a few days it'll be October. Time moves so fast.

Who knew that the retreat would be a huge blast?

It's nice to reflect on some things. I realized I have been letting an incredible lot of opportunities pass me by. And that I held onto useless grudges that wrecked some of my most important relationships.

The retreat was a nice happening that made me scrutinize every inch of myself. I haven't been in touch with my inner persona for a long time. I saw how I changed. And honestly, I didn't like what I saw.

Judging from what has transpired days ago, I sincerely hope that Hartmann is now a family. That we will always be open to others' feelings and opinions. That we truly become a heart-mann, someone full of heart, and not hurt-mann, someone who causes others to perish.

So much for the cheesiness, the retreat was fun. Except for the bus. Sonuvabitch.

Yesterday, after the retreat mass (which was another tear-jerking moment), we (Ate, Nicole and I) went to SM North Edsa. I went to Fully Booked and bought a book. I finally have The Time Traveler's Wife (which costed only P419, mind you). But it's a bit thick so I'm wondering how long it would take me to finish.

I saw a lot of books I lust for. Lo and behold, once again, my ever-changing booklist:

1. Love The One You're With by Emily Giffin
2. Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris
3. Choke by Chuck Palahniuk [This is not for kids, and this is not for those who get offended easily. It is a VERY sexually explict novel, as I heard.]

Seeing these yesterday, I deliberated which to buy for about 15 minutes. Yes, I couldn't afford them all [the total might reach 1500] so I ended up buying only one. I'll buy the others next time.

Anyway, please pass your entries for our literary folio, Bahaghari, which will feature a hodgepodge of Filipino poetry and fiction pieces by The Seed's current members and BED students. Thank you!

I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat. I can't wait for the retreat.

I CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE BACK WHAT I JUST SAID.

Guess what, the excitement isn't as strong as what it should be. See you after 3 days.

Thanks to this weather, I can't help but to always feel sleepy.

The Team Building yesterday was a blast. I had been aloof these past few days and it really helped to perk me up, especially Mamie who did a good job with her talk. ;) The trust walk thing (together with the eating part) was just too funny!

Big thank you to all those who attended and of course, the people who made it possible. And also to the taxidermied animals on display for the needed distraction.

Tomorrow will be Br. Flavius' retreat. That means I've got no one for company. Guess I'll just go home early. Well, that'll be timely because I have things to finish.

I still haven't got the faintest idea on what to write in my column. I feel like there's always something wrong with the first line, or the concept or whatever.

There is always something wrong these days. Yeah, I think I'm losing it. Haha.

Days ago, I received a good message from Facebook application God Wants You To Know and it goes like this:

"Stop driving yourself mad with endless ways to improve, and just accept the glory of your being as is."

I've never given it that much thought until recently. I think I've mentioned a lot of times how much of a perfectionist I am, up to the point that I don't permit myself to commit mistakes with what I do (especially atrocious and silly ones).

In all honesty, I'm not one anymore. If I am, I wouldn't have allowed myself to settle for anything less than what I used to get/have. Until now I couldn't decide whether it's a good thing (because I feel less pressured) or bad (because I became less and less of what I could've been).

Oh come on.

I need to do submissions din pala for Bahaghari (our Literary Folio). Once again, I would like to promote (to DLSAU-BED students only):



Wish me luck and a way out of writer's block.

Seems like I'm really stuck with 82 in Physics.

I still couldn't bring myself to accept the fact that I'd lose my chances of making it into the honor cut and ultimately, of getting scholarships. It really didn't mean that much until now, I fully realized it really is a grave mistake.

Today was the issuance of cards. I didn't get mine. And I didn't look at my marks. Partly because our adviser didn't allow me to and also, I prefer not to know either. But as I heard, everything was good except Physics.

I promise to change. To try harder. And to take studies seriously from now on.

Anyway, I noticed my visitor count reached 2000+. Whoa. Haven't expected that! Thank you to those who keeps reading my entries although I keep bombarding you with random posts. I'll try my best to keep this blog juicy. ;)

Since I'm still in a short-entry phase, I'll go for now.

Before I forget, Team Building is tomorrow. Hope everything goes out as planned (haha, good luck). Don't worry, we'll make sure no one falls again. :))

I commemorate those who have perished during the 9-11 terrorist attacks. It’s been eight years. RIP.

So, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I felt lethargic and a little frustrated while walking to school and I guess it took an eternity to drag myself to the school gate.

We weren't halfway through the day when classes were suspended.

Good thing because I want to be alone. So bad that I didn't even bother going to the concert of Pupil and Itchyworms at school. So bad that I passed the chance of seeing Ely Buendia for the second time.

So bad that every thing I see reminds me of... damn, I should stop talking about that.

Before going to my grandma's, I decided to release stress for a bit by playing DOTA. Haha. I found out that my gameplay has become pretty rusty. Guess I haven't played for a long time.

And I wouldn't anymore. HAHA.

Recently, I told myself I'll be taking my academics seriously. I'm just so half-hearted in everything I do. Sloth is the brother of destruction.

Let's just hope I get it right this time.

I'm keeping this entry short. So bye.

Minsan lang ako magblog sa Tagalog.

Ewan. Di ko kasi matranslate sa English yung emotions ko ngayon. Sobrang halu-halo. Di ko maintindihan. Di ko magets. Ganito ba talaga tuwing iniipon mo lahat sa sarili mo?

Nitong mga huling araw, may pagka-rollercoaster yung buhay ko. Ang daming nangyayari. Expected, di unexpected. Pero either of the two, di ko pa din maiwasan na di maapektuhan.

Since alam ko naman na ilan lang ang bumabasa sa blog ko (pahumble? sorry naman a.), feel ko na dito muna mag-open. Kaya dun sa mga makakakita, wag niyo naman ipagkalat. Haha. Hayaan nyo na yung mga taong involved yung makadiscover. Dami kong kaanuhan, no? Eksena ko na kasi yun. Whatever. xD

...

Ang pinaka-overwhelming sa mga nararamdaman ko ngayon is sakit.

Sakit. As in, emotional. Oo, baliw na ata ako. Baka may psychological disorder na ako.

Define muna natin yung pain/suffering: it refers to mental or emotional pain, or more often yet to pain in the broad sense, i.e. to any unpleasant feeling, emotion or sensation. In short, mga pakiramdam na di kanais-nais.

May nararamdaman akong di maganda sa ngayon. At grabe, madrama man pakinggan, para akong minamartilyo. Pinupukpok. Alam naman na siguro natin kung anong parte ng katawan ko yung apektado diba?

Well, expected ko naman na yung nangyari. Pero akala ko, pag inexpect ko ay kahit papano di gaanong masakit. Since alam ko naman nang mangyayari, nakapaghanda na ko. Kaso, di den pala.

Bwisit. Naiiyak ako. Bat ganito. Gara.

Bakit kasi mas mabilis makaalala ang puso kaysa utak? [haha.] Yung tipong kahit buong gabi mong sinabi sa utak mo na bukas e di mo na siya gusto, na kakalimutan mo siya... kinabukasan pag nakita mo sya, WALA NA. Di mo na naalala yung mga sinabi mo nung gabi. Natatandaan mo na lang na gusto mo sya. Umiiral na naman ang puso. Natatanga ka na naman.

Ganun ba talaga yun?

Bahala na. Iiyak na lang muna ko sa ngayon. Lahat muna ng luha para sa kanya. Pagkatapos ko umiyak, saka ko na lang ulit ipagpapatuloy ang mabuhay.

Drama? Haha. Emo ako e. Umuulan pa. Pagkakataon nga naman oh.

Today is my kind of weather: non-stop rain.

Second quarter has already started. My quarterly tests weren't so good. And I got the news that my grade in Physics hasn't reached 85. :| Goodbye, honor roll.

I finished Para Kay B and Love, Stargirl last week. I was supposed to let it take a while but then I couldn't get enough. Haha. I couldn't stop myself. But still, I have a few more books I'd like to have on the shelf:

1. The Diary of A Wimpy Kid by Jeff Kinney
2. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
3. Snuff by Chuck Palahniuk [The same author of Fight Club, which was turned into a movie]
4. The Winner Stands Alone by Paulo Coelho

And no, I couldn't afford everything at one purchase. :D

Shifting gears, a friend of mine lent me Up Dharma Down's latest & second album "Bipolar." She knew Oo was one of the songs I listen to everyday (not because of the song itself, but more because I listen to songs on repeat when in love). After hearing the whole package, I wanted to buy one myself!

I have been a fan way back then because of their out-of-the-ordinary music. And they do such great lyrics!

I'll be leaving you now with my most favorite from Bipolar:

Taunting the waves and toying with chances
Night and day and night
And I can't help it can we really help it
The thinning distance between you and me

CLICK

This isn't a prank. Mind you.

Seems like I am once again smitten.

Fuck.

Help me, I don't know what I'm getting myself into.